Many of you pastors are lamenting the fact that your numbers are lower than you like. In order to help you boost your numbers and earn a spot in your favorite Christian brag magazine, I have a compiled a helpful list.

1. Sing thirteen verses of Just As I Am during the alter call while snapping your fingers vigorously to prompt would be converts to come forward.

2. Count everyone that does come to the alter as a decision.

3. Say things like, “There are two reasons you should be in this alter, either because God spoke to you, or because He didn’t.

4. Turn the heat up to 90 and preach on Hell

5. Make young men who are not called into the ministry feel like lesser Christians. This allways gets a slew a guys “called to preach”.

6. Convince young ladies that they need to surrender to full time “Pastor wiving”.

7. Avoid those pesky expositional sermons. All they are good for is producing true Biblical converts, not always good for high numbers though .

8. Aim at young kids if you are shooting for record breaking conversions, they are easy to manipulate.

9. Try a different repeat a prayer. Your current repeat a prayer may have been recalled.

10. Knock on a lot of doors and count each person that answers as a decision. Every one that answers the door will make some kind of choice after all.

In case you may not have noticed, none of these are serious. Now, GO! GO! GO!