The subject of Santa Clause is a controversial one. There are many that claim Santa is a fat pagan troll, others say the he is of “Da Debil”. There are many who firmly believe in the jolly old elf, while others neither believe nor allow others to. Today I am going to tell you the truth about this matter of utmost importance. You have the blessed privilege of reading after the man that has all of the answers. So, buckle your seat belt and read carefully with an open mind, and we will get to the bottom of this mystery.

Lets begin by looking at the physics of Santa and his sleigh. In my extensive research I consulted snopes.com. If Santa were to deliver a gift to every Christian child that would give him about 91.8 million homes to deliver to. His round trip would be 75 and 1/2 million miles, that’s not counting the occasional trip to seven eleven for a hot dog and a bathroom break. I suppose Santa could take his bathroom breaks at houses, but the thought of a pagan troll using my toilet is disturbing. Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second. To accomplish this, the magical sleigh would have to travel at a rate of 650 miles per second. That is obviously way beyond the sound barrier which means that Jolly Old Saint Nick would go through more reindeer than a Nascar driver does tires, since the reindeer would totally burst into flames. Please don’t tell Peta. We should also point out that Santa’s sleigh would weigh more than 300,000 tons.

After all of these startling facts that have just been pointed out, we can only come to one conclusion…
SANTA USES SUB-CONTRACTORS. I realize that this is an inflammatory accusation to make against the big guy, but it is the only logical conclusion. You should wait until your kids are of age to break this news to them.