Many of you pastors are lamenting the fact that your numbers are lower than you like. In order to help you boost your numbers and earn a spot in your favorite Christian brag magazine, I have a compiled a helpful list.

1. Sing thirteen verses of Just As I Am during the alter call while snapping your fingers vigorously to prompt would be converts to come forward.

2. Count everyone that does come to the alter as a decision.

3. Say things like, “There are two reasons you should be in this alter, either because God spoke to you, or because He didn’t.

4. Turn the heat up to 90 and preach on Hell

5. Make young men who are not called into the ministry feel like lesser Christians. This allways gets a slew a guys “called to preach”.

6. Convince young ladies that they need to surrender to full time “Pastor wiving”.

7. Avoid those pesky expositional sermons. All they are good for is producing true Biblical converts, not always good for high numbers though .

8. Aim at young kids if you are shooting for record breaking conversions, they are easy to manipulate.

9. Try a different repeat a prayer. Your current repeat a prayer may have been recalled.

10. Knock on a lot of doors and count each person that answers as a decision. Every one that answers the door will make some kind of choice after all.

In case you may not have noticed, none of these are serious. Now, GO! GO! GO!

The subject of Santa Clause is a controversial one. There are many that claim Santa is a fat pagan troll, others say the he is of “Da Debil”. There are many who firmly believe in the jolly old elf, while others neither believe nor allow others to. Today I am going to tell you the truth about this matter of utmost importance. You have the blessed privilege of reading after the man that has all of the answers. So, buckle your seat belt and read carefully with an open mind, and we will get to the bottom of this mystery.

Lets begin by looking at the physics of Santa and his sleigh. In my extensive research I consulted snopes.com. If Santa were to deliver a gift to every Christian child that would give him about 91.8 million homes to deliver to. His round trip would be 75 and 1/2 million miles, that’s not counting the occasional trip to seven eleven for a hot dog and a bathroom break. I suppose Santa could take his bathroom breaks at houses, but the thought of a pagan troll using my toilet is disturbing. Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second. To accomplish this, the magical sleigh would have to travel at a rate of 650 miles per second. That is obviously way beyond the sound barrier which means that Jolly Old Saint Nick would go through more reindeer than a Nascar driver does tires, since the reindeer would totally burst into flames. Please don’t tell Peta. We should also point out that Santa’s sleigh would weigh more than 300,000 tons.

After all of these startling facts that have just been pointed out, we can only come to one conclusion…
SANTA USES SUB-CONTRACTORS. I realize that this is an inflammatory accusation to make against the big guy, but it is the only logical conclusion. You should wait until your kids are of age to break this news to them.

1. Finger nails dissolve in carpet.

2. The dishes will eventually wash themselves.

3. If we wash the dishes, our hands will fall off.

4. Dirty clothes pick themselves up.

5. Making your bed in the morning only ensures that it will get messed up again.

6. Kicking fallen ice across the kitchen floor makes it disappear.

7. A broom should have an on switch.

8. It is impossible to watch tv without holding the remote ( assuming your carnal enough to watch tv.)

9. People who die on tv are only acting.

10. You really can go to Wal-Mart and only purchase one item.

* This post obviously is not exhaustive. If you would like to add anything, please leave a comment.

P.S

Ladies, please don’t take this too seriously.